In the previous lesson, we introduced the most important tool for resolving conflict – an apology.
The lesson was based on the book, The Million Dollar Word. When two people are stuck in a bitter argument, the word “sorry” is worth a million bucks.
Why is it so valuable? What does saying “I’m sorry” really accomplish?
To answer, let’s try to understand the dynamics of an argument.
In a normal conversation, when you say something, your words make their way into the ears and mind of the listener. The listener then considers what you said, and either accepts or declines the idea. Perhaps they offer an alternative idea, which you can then consider.
But if something triggers either of you, an offensive remark or the mention of some previous fault, that conversation may become an argument.
Your ears and mind begin to close as the tone grows sharper. Calm words are replaced by sharp, loud words, and what you say is no longer taken into consideration by the other person.
Effective communication is now over. You’ve entered the Shooting Range.
In a shooting range, two shooters stand side by side, firing down the line at their respective targets. Neither cares about the shots fired by the other. All they care about is hitting their own target.
When two people are in Shooting Range mode, they are not listening to each other’s words. They are speaking at each other, in an attempt to hit their target. The conversation is broken, and nothing said that way will help.
An apology is a paradigm shift.
Saying, “I’m sorry” shows a willingness to leave the Shooting Range, and work it out — together.
It doesn’t just mean, “I understand you.” It means “I care about you.”
The human connection is restored, and you can put down your weapons.
If said sincerely, an apology turns you into the hero, who leads the way out of the Shooting Range, and restores shalom to the relationship.
Try this today: Think back to an argument you had. Were you in the Shooting Range? Imagine what it would have been like if you had put down your weapon, and said, “I’m sorry.”