Despite our best attempts to cultivate a shalom personality and to use all our techniques of keeping the shalom, occasionally we find ourselves in the throes of conflict.
Getting into a fight with someone you’re close to is an awful feeling. It generally comes with tension, anger, bitterness, and even fear. If the person is someone important — like a dear friend or family member — it can completely stop you in your tracks.
You might even feel like you and your world are broken.
For our final week, we’re going to focus on putting the pieces back together, and resolving the conflict.
In the book The Million Dollar Word, author Yitzchak Goldman addresses what should be the first tool in all conflict resolution — apology.
You see, a sincere apology brings an end to the argument quickly and powerfully. It softens tensions, reduces anger, and opens doors of connection that were slammed shut by the harsh exchange.
On top of all that, in an otherwise healthy relationship, an apology generally elicits a reciprocal apology.
But for some reason, being the first to apologize is often a lofty hurdle.
Goldman calls that hurdle the Wall of Ego.
Our ego balks at having to admit mistakes, and throws up a wall to stop us. The greater a person’s struggle with their ego, the harder it will be to apologize.
This is quite clear from the Torah’s epic narrative of conflict between Korach and Moses. Despite Korach’s harsh and unjust accusations against Moses, Moses is the first one to attempt to reconcile and apologize. Not surprisingly, Moses is lauded in the Torah as the humblest of men.
His humility empowered him to initiate an apology — even when he wasn’t in the wrong.
Think about that.
You can apologize even if you don’t feel like you were in the wrong. No one ever died from being the first to apologize.
Try this today: If you find yourself in an argument, see if you can muster up the courage to apologize first.