Today, let’s take a lesson from the psychiatrist’s couch.
In psychotherapy, when a patient is describing a strong emotional feeling that they have toward someone, they will occasionally feel that SAME feeling at that VERY moment toward — you guessed it — the therapist.
Imagine a patient feeling anger toward a parent and then suddenly lashing out at the therapist. The therapist did nothing wrong. So what happened here?
It’s called “transference,” since the feeling is being “transferred” from one person to another.
Imagine the turbulent emotional relationships these patients are going through. Perhaps they’re upset with a roommate or jealous of a sibling. Perhaps they burnt their breakfast or forgot to bring their lunch.
What’s really bothering them has nothing to do with the therapist. That’s transference. They’re mad at someone else entirely and just directing the emotion at whoever is in front of them. Yet the therapist remains calm and respectful.
Now imagine that YOU are a therapist. And the difficult people in your life are your patients. When you think of your relationships this way, you’ll be able to strengthen your ability to tolerate difficult people and unpleasant interactions.
In one of the most famous conflicts in the Torah, a man named Korach brought a sharp claim against Aaron the High Priest. In truth, he was driven by his jealousy of someone else, named Elitzafon. He transferred his feelings from one person to another.
We may not know with prophetic clarity what underlying forces motivate someone to act crazy. They may be reacting to powerful emotions that have nothing to do with us whatsoever.
To such a person, you can show pity. They clearly need some shalom in their life.
And when you do this, you’ll find it easy to overlook the offense. You won’t take it personally because it really has nothing to do with you at all.
Try this today: If you encounter an agitated person, imagine that they’re having a terrible day, muster up some pity in your heart, and disregard their offensive remarks.