A very powerful tool for resolving arguments is often overlooked.
It’s called acquiescence.
To acquiesce means to give in, to concede, or to yield.
And it’s very effective.
When two people are locked in an argument, both sides dig their heels in and neither one is ready to give an inch. Each one wants to win. Giving in feels like losing.
An experienced divorce lawyer related a story of a couple who spent two hours arguing over who would get the contents of the fridge. With a mediator and two attorneys, the fees were over $1,000.
The whole argument came down to a jar of peanut butter!
Had either one of them been willing to acquiesce, they would both have had hundreds more dollars to spend on peanut butter. But neither one was willing to budge. In the end, one of them finally won the battle… but they both lost the war.
Let’s reframe the concept of acquiescence.
Instead of feeling like you’re being forced to acquiesce, what if you choose to acquiesce? Then it’s not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, if you choose to acquiesce, you’re in the driver’s seat. It’s a sign of strength.
The Talmud compares the strength of someone who can acquiesce to the strength of the sun. Nothing can prevent the sun from setting at the end of the day. It’s unstoppable.
Such is the greatness and strength of someone who can yield and walk away.
Of course, walking away may not always be advisable. Sometimes the stakes are too high to simply give in. In that case, another technique is needed to resolve the conflict.
However, most of life’s conflicts are fought over petty things.
Does it really matter if the tube of toothpaste is rolled or squeezed? And how important is it if we end up at your favorite restaurant instead of mine?
Maybe you could say, “I see how important this is to you. Let’s try it your way.”
If you don’t get things done the way you want them, at least you’ll get the ultimate prize — shalom.
Try this today: If you get into a minor argument, flex your shalom muscles and see if you can acquiesce.