One of this year’s Clean Speech Champions shared the following poignant story.
“When I was a child, my next door neighbor asked me if I liked her new haircut. Without thinking about it, I told her that I liked it better before. She was very hurt, and told me how unkind I was. To this day, decades later, I remember that moment and I feel terrible that I caused her such pain. What was I thinking? I hope she doesn’t still remember that awful moment the way I do.”
And just like in that story, we may be treading on very thin ice when we get asked for our opinion.
Frequently what we’re really being asked for is a kind word or a compliment. Not our candid opinion.
This is especially true when there’s nothing that can be done anyway.
Like when a person buys a custom suit that can’t be returned, and they ask you, “How do you like it?”
They’re really just interested in hearing something nice. If they wanted your honest opinion, they would have asked you before the purchase was made.
When there’s nothing that can be done, giving a useless criticism just causes conflict.
Truth and honesty are some of Judaism’s highest ideals. The Torah doesn’t just say, “Don’t lie.” It says, “Stay far away from falsehood.”
However, there are exceptions even to that hard rule — for the sake of shalom.
If a positive outcome will result from offering your honest opinion, you should give it.
For example, if a friend asks if she should go out with a guy who’s been married six times, can’t hold down a job, and his picture is hanging in the post office, then saying, “I don’t think that’s a great match for you,” is the right response.
However, when brutal honesty will cause conflict instead of shalom —and the matter isn’t as consequential as choosing a life partner — choose the shalom response.
If your friend says, “Doesn’t my daughter play the cello so nicely?” saying, “She certainly does,” is the shalom response.
Try this today: If you get asked for your opinion on something, before answering, assess whether you’re being asked for an honest opinion or just a kind word.