Did you ever find yourself in an argument, and you didn’t even know why?
Things that trigger us and put us into fight mode can be very subtle. So subtle, that sometimes we don’t even realize them.
For example, a common trigger for tension is criticism.
“Your room is such a mess!”
“Why didn’t you catch the ball?”
“Your report really didn’t address the issue.”
Being criticized feels like an attack. People tend to believe that they are basically flawless. We know we’re not actually perfect, but we’re certainly as good as can be expected.
When someone points out something we did wrong, it rubs up against that illusion, and our defense system kicks in. We get annoyed, or even angry. The conversation becomes a fight.
To counter the attack, we argue.
“My room IS clean!”
“The ball was way over my head!”
“That report covered EVERYTHING.”
So the first thing to do to fix the problem, is to recognize our negative reaction to the criticism.
Instead of being defensive, the best way to handle criticism is to stop and consider it. It may be accurate. And if so, it’s a gift. When we hear something we can improve on, it’s an opportunity for us to grow.
If it’s not true, getting angry still doesn’t help. Maybe it was misguided and well intended.
And even if it was not so well intended, fighting about it won’t make it better.
As we develop greater awareness of our emotional response to criticism, we’ll be able to prevent the conflict that criticism often causes.
Try this today: When someone criticizes you, stop and take your emotional pulse. Before you get into an argument, recognize how the words made you feel. And see if you can avoid the argument entirely.